


Memory Reintigration

by robinasnyder



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Healing from trauma, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rerences to Slavery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 17:37:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10667532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robinasnyder/pseuds/robinasnyder
Summary: Qui-Gon Jinn spent two years as a mind wiped slave before he was rescued. With his memories newly restored, Qui-Gon attempts to get back to his old life. Unfortunately the first thing he has to do is sever his relationship with the man who rescued him, his former Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi.





	Memory Reintigration

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Forgotten](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4233012) by [chains_archivist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chains_archivist/pseuds/chains_archivist). 



His memories didn’t come back as a trickle. They came back as a flood. Qui-Gon was expected to stay with the healers for at least a full day if not more to assist with memory reintegration. The term “memory reintegration” was deceptive, though. His memories slipped right into place around the post-wipe memories. There was a continuity to his life that there hadn’t been before. The alignment of memories was really the easy part. 

The difficult part was the drastic, drastic shift in perspective that came from finally having the whole picture.

Two years ago he had left the temple on assignment after a week of pestering Mace that he was fit for assignment. Before that he’d been restricted to the temple for half a year because of the injuries he’d sustained on Naboo. If anything had gone according to plan during the Naboo mission, then those months would not have been filled with the tedium they were. Except there hadn’t really been much of a plan since they’d first arrived on Naboo. The plan was just Qui-Gon Jinn trying to keep everyone alive and safe, and to not let such a powerful child drift off into the world with no training or protection. 

No matter what anyone thought, Qui-Gon hadn’t actually been super excited to take Anakin as a Padawan. For one thing, he’d been looking forward to a few years of rest without needing to be responsible for a child. The only reason he’d planned to take Anakin was that no one else would do it. And when he’d thought he was about to die he’d passed the responsibility on to Obi-Wan only because no one else would do it and Anakin had to be trained. 

Considering Qui-Gon had survived, he hadn’t expected Obi-Wan to take the boy as a Padawan. Obi-Wan had been old for a Padawan, but he was young to be raising a Padawan of his own, especially one as young as Anakin. When Qui-Gon had awoken alive, he was greatly shocked that Obi-Wan had actually accepted Anakin as his Padawan. After that Qui-Gon rarely saw either of them. 

This was expected with a newly Knighted Jedi. Obi-Wan needed time to be his own Jedi. And he didn’t need the complications of having his old Master constantly around while he tried to do that. It was hard enough for a new Knight to figure out who they were. It had to be much more difficult to do so while also attempting to raise a Padawan at the same time. So, Qui-Gon wasn’t surprised to not see Obi-Wan and Anakin very often. 

It was fine. Qui-Gon had just gotten very bored.

A somewhat easy mission had seemed like a good plan. He was healed, but he shouldn’t have had a reason to have to fight. It was a research mission. It should have been easy. A trip to the Mid Rim, a few weeks of reading and then coming home. Easy. 

Or it was easy until the pirates, the Force Suppression collar, and the large amount of drugs he’d been kept on. And maybe he could have rescued himself even then. But then the mind wipe. 

Two years later someone finally located him and brought him back to the temple. 

Mind wipes weren’t always easy to overcome, but when someone was Force Sensitive, it was easier. For someone as strong in the Force as Qui-Gon Jinn, it hadn’t been hard at all once the collar was off and the procedure was finished. The memories clicked into place, filling in what he had lost, who he was, all of it. But what stood in sharp contrast was what he had undergone while enslaved. It was easier to bare when it was all he had ever known.

It was also a complete paradigm shift to go from thinking of himself as a slave, to knowing he was supposed to be a Jedi Master. The healers were there to be certain he wouldn’t panic, that he could answer their questions and be “eased” back into his life. 

He was with the healers for three days, and had a standing appointment for twice weekly sessions at the mind healers for at least a month, subject to review for how long he’d have to keep going after that. Qui-Gon understood it logically. But he was also aware that he would have said anything to be allowed to go back to his rooms. 

Except that wasn’t where he headed at all. His feet carried him to another room all together. It was the middle of the day. Padawans and Initiates should be in class and this wasn’t something he could allow to lay any longer. It wasn’t hard to find Obi-Wan’s rooms. They were on the same floor as his own rooms and there was a plaque declaring the rooms belonged to Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padawan Anakin Skywalker. 

Qui-Gon knocked on the door and waited. 

The door opened quickly. Obi-Wan would have been able to feel Qui-Gon on the other side of door the same way Qui-Gon could feel that Obi-Wan was in the room. Obi-Wan did not look like the new Knight Qui-Gon remembered. For one thing, before Qui-Gon had left, Obi-Wan did not have a beard. For another, Obi-Wan’s hair had still been in that awkward post-Padawan cut phase that fresh Knights always suffered through. He was also smiling, which was a strong counter-point to the serious man Qui-Gon had left behind. 

But Obi-Wan looked exactly like “Ben”, the man who had rescued Qui-Gon from enslavement. 

“Master Qui-Gon,” Obi-Wan said, a touch of nerves coloring his tone. Good. 

“May I come in?” Qui-Gon asked. Perhaps Obi-Wan thought that Qui-Gon could be happy to see him now that he remembered. That was a foolish thought.

“Of course,” Obi-Wan said, stepping aside. Qui-Gon walked past him and into the room. He was hit strongly with a multitude of memories of all the times he’d purposefully brushed against Ben as he walked past, teasing and amused by how much the other man had liked his teasing. 

Those memories sat like a stone in his stomach. 

“So, Ben,” Qui-Gon said, a touch of that stone in his voice. 

“You… uh, don’t have to call me that anymore,” Obi-Wan said. “I apologize for keeping the truth from you. The healers-”

“No,” Qui-Gon said, cutting Obi-Wan off. He turned around and looked at him. Obi-Wan took a step back, guilt quickly coloring his features. Obi-Wan didn’t really wear his emotions on his sleeve, so Qui-Gon knew that he had to be feeling really, really guilty. 

A small twist of satisfaction settled in his gut. Good. He deserved to feel bad. 

“I-” Obi-Wan started, but Qui-Gon didn’t let him continue. 

“You know why I’m here, ‘Ben,’” he said. His mouth twisted with a certain level of distaste. 

“Master, please,” Obi-Wan said. “I tried to dissuade you-”

“Not very hard, as I remember. I do have all of my memories back now, and the retrieval procedure did not wipe away the past few years in any way,” Qui-Gon said. He couldn’t help but be a little bitter about that. With time and work he would integrate those years into his person. He would accept them and let the pain go. But the wounds were raw still, though he did not consider his pain currently compromising.

Obi-Wan did not immediately jump to his own defense, which just made Qui-Gon angrier. Seeing Obi-Wan have to think about it made his blood boil.

“Do not try to manipulate me,” Qui-Gon snapped. 

“Master, I would not,” Obi-Wan said quickly. 

“You did,” Qui-Gon said. 

“That’s not fair. You were the one who came to me. Consistently,” Obi-Wan reminded. Of course Qui-Gon remembered. He’d spent a fair bit of time attempting to use his body to manipulate the man he assumed would be his new master. 

“You were the one who said that my consent didn’t mean much without my memories,” Qui-Gon reminded him. 

“And you were the one who insisted that it did,” Obi-Wan said with a bit of heat in his voice. Qui-Gon, well Ki, as Ben had dubbed him, had insisted upon that. But Qui-Gon was not Ki and Obi-Wan should not have touched him.

“I will admit, there wasn’t much else to do on that ship,” Qui-Gon said dryly. Obi-Wan bristled, his ears and cheeks turning pink. 

“It wasn’t-” Obi-Wan began. But again, Qui-Gon cut him off. 

“No. You said you had loved me for a long time,” Qui-Gon said, mocking the voice Obi-Wan had used when he’d mentioned that little bit of information. Qui-Gon intimately remembered that moment, and the worry and longing on Obi-Wan’s face when he’d said it. 

Now, Qui-Gon could see the way those words twisted like a knife between Obi-Wan’s ribs. 

“You had waited so long,” Qui-Gon continued, his voice laced with a mock understanding. “And I was a willing body. So what if it wasn’t perfect? At least you got to have what you wanted.” 

“That’s not fair, Qui-Gon, and you know it,” Obi-Wan said. He looked wounded. Qui-Gon didn’t feel sympathetic. Qui-Gon was wounded. How could Obi-Wan take advantage of the situation like that? 

“’Not fair,’” Qui-Gon quoted, imitating Obi-Wan’s voice. The pain on Obi-Wan’s face shot a sharp discomfort into his heart. He’d never liked seeing Obi-Wan in pain. But Obi-Wan had done something unforgivable. He couldn’t allow Obi-Wan to think for a moment that he hadn’t. “‘It’s not fair,’ he says. How about making use of a man who had no way of saying no.” 

That did it. Obi-Wan’s face crumpled completely. “Master Jinn,” he began, speaking quietly. “I… I’m sorry.” 

“Not as much as you should be,” Qui-Gon said. He didn’t understand why Obi-Wan could have been so thoughtless of him like that. 

He turned away, facing the door. “You can keep that ‘love’ of yours. It’s not something another sentient needs.” 

They didn’t need to be bonded for Qui-Gon to feel the way Obi-Wan’s heart stopped. Some part of his mind whispered that really wasn’t actually fair. But Qui-Gon shoved it away. 

“Master,” Obi-Wan started. 

“It’s best if we don’t attempt to cross paths from now on,” Qui-Gon said to the door. He stayed still and waited for a response. It came after a few seconds of silence. 

“Yes,” the barely whispered word came. It cut through the thick silence. It was a broken sound. 

Qui-Gon walked out, a forest fire of anger burning in his chest. It was wrong. Obi-Wan didn’t have the right to sound so affected by this. This was the consequence of what he’d done.

* * *

Qui-Gon’s rooms still had the imprint of Obi-Wan on them. No one lived in the Padawan room to overlay that imprint. Qui-Gon opened the windows and went to his own room where the sense of the man was the least. He lay down, still fuming after three hours in the salle and an hour’s attempt at meditation.

He couldn’t get that broken whisper out of his mind. It was hard to hold onto his anger when the part of him who had been with Obi-Wan for years was already trying to nudge him to forgive him. 

But how could he? 

Qui-Gon kept replaying the last few days in his head. Qui-Gon, Ki at the time, had been desperate for as many couplings as he could get before they arrived. Despite Ben’s assurance that if he really wanted to that once Ki had his memories back that they could see each other again, Ki had not believed him. He thought that the lover he’d chosen would not be available to him. 

That thought was not a happy one even then, but it sat like sickness in his chest now. He hadn’t been allowed to choose anything in his life for two years. He had chosen “willingly” to bed Ben to attempt an escape. But what he had done as an escape attempt had turned into something… 

Qui-Gon didn’t know how to explain it or define it, except that while Ki had given his heart to Ben, that Qui-Gon would never give his heart to Obi-Wan. What Ben had described as love was merely obsession. If Obi-Wan had loved him then he would have waited, held Ki off until they were home and perhaps tried then.

Qui-Gon didn’t let himself remember how the first time he’d given pleasure to Obi-Wan even when Obi-Wan tried to tell him he didn’t have to, and tried to squirm away. And he didn’t think about how Obi-Wan had later returned the favor and enjoyed every moment of Qui-Gon’s pleasure. He couldn’t think about the way he’d felt comforted and safe when he woke up first, still wrapped in Ben’s arms. He wasn’t thinking about how happy he’d felt the times he’d laid naked and sated with Ben, or that Ki had told Ben he loved him before it was all over. He couldn’t allow himself to think about those things, because the loss of them made him feel hollow.

* * *

Anakin found him within a few days. He got tackled by a twelve year old, arms wrapping tight around his middle and joy singing in the Force. Joy and relief and a not undue level of fear. 

The part of Qui-Gon that had lived for two years pleasuring any sentient who wanted him reminded Qui-Gon, as Anakin tipped his head up to regard him with eyes filled with happiness and worry, that if Anakin had stayed on Tatooine that he would have been rapidly approaching the age where someone would have taken him unwillingly to bed. That same part whispered that it may have already happened by now if Anakin had been left behind. 

That made Qui-Gon return the hug just as tightly. 

“Mister Qui-Gon, Sir,” Anakin said. He no longer had a baby’s voice. His voice hadn’t changed yet, but it was on the cusp and he didn’t sound like he was nine any longer. “Are you okay?” 

“Not really,” Qui-Gon said. It came out so much easier when speaking with Anakin. The look on Anakin’s face said he hadn’t expected Qui-Gon to be okay. It occurred to Qui-Gon that Anakin might wonder if what happened to Qui-Gon would or was currently happening to his mother. 

That sense of injustice made Qui-Gon feel sick. That was what he’d left that brave woman to suffer? It couldn’t be undone. It wasn’t something that could be corrected. But maybe he could keep it from being worse. Maybe he could save her from years more of that type of life. After all, the Council was currently feeling pretty bad for him. He might be able to leverage that.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Anakin said. 

“I am too,” Qui-Gon said. He gave Anakin’s shoulder a little squeeze. “You’ve grown quite a lot since I last saw you.” 

“Obi-Wan said at this rate I’ll be taller than him and he’s doomed to be surrounded by giants,” Anakin said with a bright smile. 

“Yes,” Qui-Gon said. He didn’t really want to think about Obi-Wan at that moment. 

“What’s wrong?” Anakin asked, his smile dropping right off his face. 

“Nothing,” Qui-Gon said automatically, and then cursed himself for doing so. That wouldn’t dissuade Anakin. Despite the way Obi-Wan betrayed him, Qui-Gon could not imagine that Obi-Wan would be anything but a good teacher for Anakin. Qui-Gon had trained him, after all. Anakin didn’t need to know what really happened. “A disagreement,” Qui-Gon said. 

“Was it on the trip back?” Anakin asked. 

“Yes,” Qui-Gon said for expediency. 

“Obi-Wan’s been really upset. He said he did something,” Anakin said. 

Qui-Gon mentally cursed Obi-Wan and his honesty. “What else did he say?” His curiosity got the better of him. 

“That he messed up and an apology wouldn’t fix it… Is he right?” 

Qui-Gon sighed heavily. “He is,” he admitted. 

Anakin’s shoulders drooped. Qui-Gon could see a sense of growing betrayal in Anakin’s eyes. He had to stop that immediately. The Master-Padawan bond didn’t need the strain of uncertainty. Qui-Gon knew that from his own experience with Obi-Wan and the mistakes he’d made early on in their relationship. 

“It was a delicate situation. I’m not surprised that Obi-Wan made his mistake. I know he would make it better if he could. It’s not in him to want to cause me pain. So please don’t worry about it. It’s between us alone,” Qui-Gon said. 

“But if you can’t forgive him-” Anakin started. 

“No,” Qui-Gon said gently but firmly. “This is not your problem. Obi-Wan is a good man and a good Jedi. It was a mistake. Do not disrespect him because he and I are having an argument.” 

Anakin gave Qui-Gon a look that said he knew it was more than an argument. But he nodded instead. “Okay. Would you like to eat lunch with me?” 

Qui-Gon’s lips turned up in a small smile. “I would enjoy that very much, Padawan Skywalker. Please, lead the way.”

* * *

After a month of two sessions a week, Qui-Gon expected to be dropped to once a week. He mentioned as much to Healer Che, who was his Mind Healer for this particular venture, when they got to the end of their eighth session. 

“I think you misunderstand how this works,” Healer Che said after Qui-Gon had asked which day his session would be scheduled for. “You’ll continue with as many sessions as it takes until I feel you can be moved down to less sessions.” 

“You said a month,” Qui-Gon said, trying to not sound as annoyed as he felt. 

“I said we’d start with a month and see where it went from there,” Healer Che said. 

“So, how long will I be doing two sessions a week?” Qui-Gon asked, sound short. 

“I don’t know,” she said. 

“Why?” Qui-Gon asked. 

“Qui-Gon, you realize you’re not actually talking about these past two years, right?” Healer Che asked. 

“What? Yes I am,” Qui-Gon said. 

Healer Che sighed and rubbed her forehead. “In eight sessions you’ve talked almost exclusively about the twenty days you and Obi-Wan spent on the return trip. Occasionally, you mention when he found you. Outside of obscure references to what happened, you haven’t actually spoken about your enslavement. Only your rescue.” 

“I would hardly call it a rescue,” Qui-Gon muttered. 

“Qui-Gon… do you believe I’m good at my job?” she asked.

“Yes,” Qui-Gon said. Even though he hated this entire process, he knew Healer Che was the best. 

“Then please listen to my professional opinion. It seems to me that maybe the reason you talk about Obi-Want so much is that you want someone to agree with you that you acted correctly when you confronted him.” 

Qui-Gon bristled. “I did,” he said. “He should never have-”

“I know,” Healer Che said in a soft but firm voice, soothing him before he could get worked up. “You have said this many times. I know why you are hurt. But what you have described to me is a time that, while complicated, still had some enjoyable aspects. But any time I try to press you to speak about any other time in the past two years you withdraw.” 

Qui-Gon didn’t respond for a moment. He ran back over the past few weeks in his mind. He knew that he was still obsessing about Obi-Wan. He still struggled to meditate, and sometimes a hot anger would hit in the middle of some benign activity because he would think about Obi-Wan and it would all come rushing back.

“What do you think I should do?” Qui-Gon asked. 

“I think you should talk about something else next week,” Healer Che said. “Now, our time is up.”

* * *

Qui-Gon didn’t see Obi-Wan. At first this had seemed like a relief until he realized what that meant. He and Obi-Wan preferred a lot of the same places in the temple. It was a side effect of Qui-Gon helping to shape Obi-Wan in those last formative years. Qui-Gon hadn’t seen Obi-Wan at all in a month in a half, and he’d run into Anakin plenty of times.

All it took was asking Anakin to get confirmation of what Qui-Gon suspected. Obi-Wan was avoiding his usual places. 

Which meant he had to be doing so to avoid Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon had told Obi-Wan that he didn’t want to see him. He should be appreciative. But it only made Qui-Gon feel angrier. Obi-Wan was probably down some guilt well, tippy-toeing around the temple to avoid Qui-Gon. Like Obi-Wan’s mere existence was a problem to Qui-Gon. Like Obi-Wan just kept thinking about him no matter what. 

No matter that he told Anakin that this couldn’t be fixed by apologies, Qui-Gon still wished Obi-Wan would try. 

Qui-Gon missed him. Even when Obi-Wan had been newly Knighted and running around with a new Padawan, Qui-Gon had at least seen Obi-Wan in passing. This was so different. It was like Obi-Wan was a ghost in the temple. 

Qui-Gon was starting to have dreams that Obi-Wan had been the one who’d been kidnapped, not him. 

Not seeing Obi-Wan at all wasn’t helping those dreams. He knew that he should bring that up to Healer Che, but he didn’t. He was trying to talk about things that weren’t Obi-Wan, after all.

* * *

Qui-Gon found that he felt better after he talked about the slave pens and the brothels and factories. It left him tired and exhausted for the rest of the day, but he also felt lighter. Healer Che had been right. Talking about Obi-Wan hadn’t been doing him any good at all. 

Too bad he was still thinking about their trip home. 

It had felt like being loved. Qui-Gon reminded himself often that it wasn’t. But the Ki part of him still whispered that he loved Obi-Wan. That just made it worse, really. Obi-Wan had used that to manipulate him. Or he’d manipulated him into feeling that. It didn’t matter. Qui-Gon felt sick now whenever he remembered how much he missed Obi-Wan. 

It was frustrating that he couldn’t just let the man go. But then, Obi-Wan had rescued him and had been his Padawan for all those years. It would be more worrying if he could just let it go. And it would have been okay if Obi-Wan hadn’t done what he’d done. Then Qui-Gon could be spending time with Obi-Wan and he wouldn’t have to feel so bad all the time. He was angry that Obi-Wan had ruined their relationship like that.

* * *

“Master Jinn,” Mace said, cornering Qui-Gon near his rooms. 

“What did I do now?” Qui-Gon asked. 

“May we speak inside?” Mace asked. 

Alright, Qui-Gon probably hadn’t done anything. But he could tell from Mace’s expression that it was serious. He opened the door for Mace and then locked the door behind them once they were inside. They didn’t need to be interrupted. Not that many people came by to see him, but still it was better to take precautions. 

“What’s wrong?” Qui-Gon asked. 

“Knight Kenobi,” Mace said, rubbing his forehead. 

Qui-Gon’s stomach flipped over. Outside of himself, Obi-Wan, Anakin and Healer Che, no one knew that he and Obi-Wan had a problem. And Anakin didn’t know even know full the extent. Qui-Gon didn’t want to slander Obi-Wan’s name. It was perfectly normal that Mace might want to discuss his former Padawan. 

“I wasn’t aware anything was wrong with him,” Qui-Gon said, keeping his tone light. 

“Oh there’s something wrong. He’s spent two weeks trying to get Master Yoda to help him get a new Master for Anakin,” Mace said. 

“Excuse me?” Qui-Gon asked, not able to keep the alarm from his voice. He knew from what Anakin described that Obi-Wan loved Anakin. He sounded like a good and attentive Master. That didn’t make any sense. 

“Master Yoda finally got me to come to one of these meetings. Obi-Wan insists that he’s not an appropriate choice for a Master. For anyone. He’s asking for some posting in the Outer Rim and a way to help Anakin transition so he won’t feel abandoned,” Mace explained. 

“Why… I don’t understand,” Qui-Gon said. “Anakin shows every indication of flourishing with Obi-Wan. They have a close bond. Everyone can see it. I don’t understand.” 

“Obi-Wan says that the kind of care he can give isn’t the type of thing another sentient needs,” Mace said. He sounded terribly frustrated. But Qui-Gon felt like the floor was shifting. 

“Shit,” Qui-Gon breathed. A memory came screaming to the forefront of his mind, of him saying almost the exact same thing to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan who had always been given to the guilt spirals and trying to deal with his problems on his own. This was the same Obi-Wan who it had taken years to get past the idea that he wasn’t good enough. 

Mace’s eyes narrowed. “What did you do?” he asked. 

“I… um, may have told him that,” Qui-Gon said. 

Mace’s entire aura dropped to sub-zero. It took a lot of self-control to not shiver under that cold gaze. “And why did you did that?” 

Qui-Gon felt his anger flare up. “You don’t have any idea about what happened on the trip back to the temple.” 

“Well, tell me,” Mace said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Qui-Gon should have expected that Mace would demand that information, but he hadn’t. If he had he wouldn’t have brought it up. Qui-Gon crossed his arms over his chest as well. “We had sex,” he said, going for blunt and short. 

Mace stared at him for a moment, then blinked a few times. The silence stretched thin very quickly. Mace was clearly waiting for him to say more, but Qui-Gon wasn’t going to. “That’s it?” 

“What do you mean, that’s it?” Qui-Gon asked. 

“Qui-Gon Jinn, the pair of you have been making eyes at each other since he hit twenty. Half the temple assumes you’ve been lovers for years. So I need you to explain to me how that led to Obi-Wan asking to be sent very far away.” 

Qui-Gon spluttered for a moment. “We were not sleeping together before,” Qui-Gon finally said. 

“Again, so? Would you have said no if he’d asked you before you left?” 

“No,” Qui-Gon said. Mace wasn’t wrong that he had desired Obi-Wan for years. But he hadn’t been prepared to cross that line, and then Obi-Wan was busy trying to be a Knight in his own right and raising a young boy. Qui-Gon had meant to be patient.

“And did you regret it when it happened?” Mace asked. 

“No,” Qui-Gon said. Quite the opposite. He still couldn’t remember having felt so good in his life.

“And do you regret it now?” Mace asked. 

“No,” Qui-Gon said. His own answer surprised him. He didn’t regret anything he’d done on that ship. He’d been happy. Obi-Wan had given him comfort, warmth, love, kindness, patience and many other things that Ki had lived without for all the years he remembered. It had been a revelation, that the world could be good and that someone could be so good. It had been healing to his hurt and broken spirit.

“Then, I ask you again. What’s the problem?” Mace asked. Qui-Gon stared at Mace for a moment, and Mace just stared back. What was the problem?

“I’m an idiot,” Qui-Gon groaned, covering his face with both his hands. 

“I could have told you that,” Mace said, a touch of amusement in his voice. “Now fix it,” he ordered.

* * *

Qui-Gon asked Anakin to find a way to not be in their rooms for a few hours when Obi-Wan would be there. Anakin had agreed instantly. Apparently, despite how hard Obi-Wan tried to be inconspicuous in his misery, Anakin had still picked up on it. Qui-Gon promised Anakin that he would fix it, he just needed to not be interrupted and he needed to be certain Obi-Wan would be in his rooms.

Qui-Gon headed to Obi-Wan’s rooms at the correct time, passing Anakin as he went. Anakin winked at him and kept going without saying a word. Qui-Gon did his best to put Anakin out of his mind by the time he arrived at Obi-Wan’s door. He took only a moment to gather his courage before he knocked on the door and waited. 

He could feel Obi-Wan steel himself behind the door. Qui-Gon hadn’t seen Obi-Wan in two months, and he’d assumed Obi-Wan would look very much the same. He did, to a point. When Obi-Wan opened the door, Qui-Gon was certain that Obi-Wan had spent two months in his own private hell, with no one to drag him out of it. Obi-Wan’s hair had grown a little, and he was still well groomed. But there was more than just wariness in his eyes. There was a heavy stress on his brown and worry on his mouth. Qui-Gon wondered if Obi-Wan had actually been eating properly. 

Guilt spiral. Obi-Wan did such a good job of hiding this from everyone. But Qui-Gon knew him. 

“Master Jinn,” Obi-Wan said quietly. There was panic on his features that he was trying to hide. “Can I help you?” 

“Let me in, Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon said. Obi-Wan stepped back instantly and allowed Qui-Gon in. 

Qui-Gon looked around the living room. It was perfectly clean. There was a feeling of being unlived in. Stress cleaning, another sign someone else might not know to look for. Cleaning could, on some level, get rid of the feel of another person. Obi-Wan, when he’d been a Padawan, would clean his own room to the point where the feel of Obi-Wan, the imprint of his Force Signature, would not stick to anything. Obi-Wan would do this when he felt particularly bad, or self-hating. It took Qui-Gon a few years to realize that Obi-Wan didn’t want to leave any bit of himself behind in those moments. He wanted there to be less of him. 

It had been a terrifying realization. Qui-Gon had dragged Obi-Wan to the mind healers for months after that, afraid he might wake up one day and Obi-Wan wouldn’t. It had been years since Qui-Gon had seen the stress cleaning get this bad. 

When Qui-Gon heard the door close it freed him from his thoughts. He turned to look at Obi-Wan. 

“I… I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan said. His voice rode that edge between fear and emotionless. “I’ve displeased you. I tried to stay away. I-”

Qui-Gon cut him off with a kiss. Obi-Wan froze as if he was paralyzed. Qui-Gon didn’t kiss him for long. For one thing, Obi-Wan was non-responsive. For another, fear rolled off him like waves. Qui-Gon took a step back. He’d been afraid of the way Obi-Wan spoke and how far down Obi-Wan had fallen with no one to stop him. 

He cursed himself for being so stubborn, and he cursed Obi-Wan for being so good at hiding and sublimating his bad feelings into something that looked productive or at least not suspicious. 

“Master, I don’t understand,” Obi-Wan whispered. “Is this a test? I haven’t come near you. I’ve done as you asked. Please, don’t do this to me.” 

Qui-Gon was very certain that Obi-Wan would allow Qui-Gon to whip him if he thought it would make Qui-Gon feel better. If Qui-Gon wanted to test him and see if Obi-Wan had “learned his lesson”, Obi-Wan would allow it no matter how much it shredded his spirit. Qui-Gon never should have let it get this far. 

“Obi-Wan, I made a mistake,” Qui-Gon said quietly. “I am not testing you, or trying anything funny. I just need to apologize.” 

“What would you have to apologize for, Master?” Obi-Wan asked. He looked confused, but at least he didn’t look afraid. Qui-Gon felt a little relieved.

“Because I allowed my pain from what was done to me affect you like this,” Qui-Gon said. 

“After what I did, I deserve to be affected. And worse,” Obi-Wan said dryly. 

Qui-Gon sighed. He backed Obi-Wan against the door. Obi-Wan allowed Qui-Gon to manhandle him. he looked up at Qui-Gon with eyes filled with confusion, curiosity and absolutely uncertainty. There was also a touch of shyness in his gaze, but he wasn’t afraid of Qui-Gon. He didn’t look afraid, just lost. 

“I wasn’t fair to you, Obi-Wan… you didn’t really hurt me,” Qui-Gon said. 

“But-” Obi-Wan started. Qui-Gon placed a finger over Obi-Wan’s mouth. Obi-Wan went silent instantly.

“No, please listen for a moment, then you can speak,” Qui-Gon said. 

“Yes, Master,” Obi-Wan whispered, his lips brushing against Qui-Gon’s finger. 

Qui-Gon shivered. He grabbed Obi-Wan’s chin and stole a kiss. He’d missed those lips very much. Obi-Wan looked confused when Qui-Gon pulled back, but he didn’t speak. He waited for Qui-Gon to speak, as he promised. 

“When we last spoke, I was very hurt. Everything in me had just been put back together. But I hadn’t integrated with the memories yet. I felt like two different people. I didn’t even accept at all that the man I had been while enslaved was actually me. I couldn’t reconcile this. I couldn’t deal with what had been done to me. I was still feeling a lot of very, very strong emotions from the journey. And it was easiest to act on those,” Qui-Gon said. “Do you understand?” 

“Not really,” Obi-Wan said quietly. 

“It was easier for me to focus all of my anger on you because you were there, because I knew you wouldn’t hurt me, and that someone would feel bad for what happened to me. It was easier to rip into you than to admit that… I had been very weak. I spent two years on my knees, lost to who and what I was, adrift from the Force and the life I have strived to lead. And it was all stolen from me so easily. Without you I would still be there if I was even alive at all… and you were also the easiest target.” 

Obi-Wan’s eyebrows knit together. “Are you… do you not hate me?” 

“No,” Qui-Gon said. “I love you, very dearly, even though I have a shit way of showing it… my point is, Obi-Wan, that I hurt you because being angry at you was easier than dealing with my real problems. It was easier to pretend that Ki and everything he felt and did wasn’t really me. But you gave me the comfort I needed when I needed it. And you do love me. I know you do. I was cruel to you because you were an easy target.” 

“Master,” Obi-Wan said nervously. 

“Can you ever forgive me, Obi-Wan?” Qui-Gon asked. 

“Yes, always,” Obi-Wan said. “Can you ever forgive me?” 

Qui-Gon made a pained noise. “There’s nothing to forgive,” he said. “All I want is to know that…” he took a deep breath. “Ki loved Ben deeply. But Qui-Gon has loved Obi-Wan for far longer.” 

Obi-Wan’s frown turned to a smile. He threw his arms around Qui-Gon’s neck, almost strangling him with the force of it. Qui-Gon didn’t mind. He put his arms around Obi-Wan and hugged him back just as tightly. 

“Can I… I missed you so much,” Obi-Wan said. “I’ve missed you for so long.” 

“I miss you too,” Qui-Gon said. He pulled back a little so he could look at Obi-Wan. “Please don’t go to some far off Outer Rim posting where I can’t follow you.” 

Obi-Wan made a face. “Anakin-”

“Loves you. And you love him,” Qui-Gon said. “You two are great for each other.” 

“I don’t want-” Obi-Wan started and then stopped himself. 

“You have so much love to offer,” Qui-Gon said, sensing the topic of whatever Obi-Wan had been able to say. “And I never should I have said otherwise. He needs what you have to offer. I can’t think of anyone who could be as loving or understanding as you can be. He needs that.”

Obi-Wan nodded. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” Qui-Gon asked. 

“Okay… I’ll stay,” Obi-Wan said. He smiled shyly. “Um. Do you think… maybe we could try, maybe going out?” 

Qui-Gon chuckled. “Yes, I think I would like that as well. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date.” 

“Me too,” Obi-Wan said, his cheeks turning a delicate pink. “I’m pretty certain I was still a Padawan.” 

“Siri Tachi?” Qui-Gon asked, remembering vaguely Obi-Wan having nervously asked for a free evening. 

“Yeah. That was a disaster,” Obi-Wan said. 

“It can’t have gone as badly as this did,” Qui-Gon murmured. Obi-Wan pulled back a little, which allowed Qui-Gon to cup his face in one hand so he could look at Obi-Wan. There was still pain in Obi-Wan’s eyes, but it was easing. Qui-Gon would be making amends for a while, though he doubted Obi-Wan would actually blame him. It would just be a while before Obi-Wan felt secure again.

“I’m not certain anything can go as bad as this did,” Obi-Wan said quietly. 

“I imagine it can, but let’s not wish for it,” Qui-Gon said.

“How have you been, Qui-Gon?” Obi-Wan asked. He stroked his fingers over a few strands of hair that laid on Qui-Gon’s shoulder. A small affection that Qui-Gon had been very close to missing for the rest of his life. 

“Not well,” Qui-Gon said. “I missed you… to be honest I was very unhappy that you didn’t try to come see me.” 

Obi-Wan let out a surprised laugh. “Of course you were. I’m sorry. I would have come if I’d known.” 

“I know you would,” Qui-Gon said. He tipped Obi-Wan’s chin up and kissed him again. “You would do anything for me.” 

“I would,” Obi-Wan agreed.

Qui-Gon let his hand drop and stepped back. “We’ll go on our date tomorrow. Will you be alright if I leave you alone? You’ll make dinner for yourself?" 

“Yes, Master,” Obi-Wan said. He sounded more like his normal self. “I promise,” he added. 

“Alright. I’ll come collect you this time tomorrow,” Qui-Gon said. 

“Tomorrow,” Obi-Wan said, like all his hopes and dreams hung on that word.

* * *

Qui-Gon took Obi-Wan to a nice restaurant. The type of place that was nicer than the normal greasy spoons Qui-Gon preferred, but also wasn’t strange for a Jedi to be seen at, let alone two. A few people recognized him and asked where he’d been. Qui-Gon smiled and simply told them he’d been on an extended assignment.

He was a little surprised that the questions didn’t bother him. It might have had to do with the way Obi-Wan squeezed his hand under the table, or that Obi-Wan sat next to him instead of across from him so he could press his knee against Qui-Gon’s without anyone noticing. Or maybe that Obi-Wan put himself on the outside of the booth. Qui-Gon felt protected on every side because of the care Obi-Wan took. 

The seating arrangement also had pleasant effect of allowing Qui-Gon to put his arm around Obi-Wan while they were looking at the menu. Obi-Wan had turned that beautiful delicate shade of pink Qui-Gon had seen earlier. He’d ducked his head to look at the menu as if that could hide him. 

Something possessive and warm and curled contentedly in Qui-Gon’s chest in that moment. It reminded Qui-Gon of Ki and those hours in bed on the ship. Ki had basked in the feeling of being a lover, instead of an unwilling body in such couplings. He would revel in the knowledge of how he had brought his beloved Ben to heights of great pleasure and stolen his lover’s voice and mind for the long moments it took to recuperate after their couplings. 

That feeling also reminded Qui-Gon of the man he’d been before the enslavement and the mind wipe. Even as a Jedi, smugness suited him occasionally.

Dinner was an easy affair. It flew by before Qui-Gon knew it. They talked as they always had. The unusual seating arrangement didn’t make them uncomfortable. Obi-Wan leaned into his side and Qui-Gon would occasionally give Obi-Wan’s shoulder a little squeeze. Their relationship was different than before. They were different people. 

Qui-Gon talked about the books he’d been reading and Obi-Wan gave his opinion as he’d already read many of them. Time had gone on. There were new trends Qui-Gon was still catching up on. There were events he still didn’t know about. But the way both he and Obi-Wan approached those topics were still the same. They were still them. Even those years of separation and strife couldn’t change that. 

The trip back to the temple took too long, in Qui-Gon’s opinion. He had planned to take Obi-Wan out dancing, or to see a show. But Obi-Wan had called for a cab as soon as they got out of the restaurant. Qui-Gon was secretly grateful. He hadn’t realized until they were in the cab how tight then tension in his back had been. He still wasn’t really ready to be away from the Temple. He still saw danger and owners. But he’d ignored that and focused completely on Obi-Wan. Even if he’d been aware of how nervous he’d been, he still would have continued with their date, just because Obi-Wan deserved to be treated to a proper first date. Which was probably while Obi-Wan hadn’t even let him suggest another place to go. 

Qui-Gon paid for the cab, at least. He wished he’d had it in him to do more than just dinner, but still he wanted to be home. He didn’t like that he still didn’t feel safe being away from the temple. Obi-Wan had held his hand the entire way and didn’t mention how hard Qui-Gon squeezed. 

Obi-Wan didn’t try to go back to his and Anakin’s rooms. He followed Qui-Gon like he expected an invitation. But he still looked shy once they were in Qui-Gon’s rooms and the door was shut. Qui-Gon kissed that shyness away easily enough. 

They made it quickly to the bedroom, although most of their clothes had been left in the living room. 

Qui-Gon remembered that Obi-Wan’s nipples were sensitive, and took an absolutely obscene amount of pleasure in laying on Obi-Wan’s chest so he couldn’t escape and then sucking on one nipple while he stroked the other with his thumb. Obi-Wan was breathless and hard before Qui-Gon even allowed him to get out of his underwear. 

Obi-Wan returned the favor by pushing Qui-Gon down and running his nails gently along Qui-Gon’s entire body and taking his damned sweet time about it. Qui-Gon was cursing his name long before Obi-Wan finished. 

“I want to take care of you,” Obi-Wan said when he’d finished teasing. He sat up for a moment, looking vulnerable. 

“You do,” Qui-Gon said, trying to soothe him. 

“I just… please tell me what you want,” Obi-Wan said. “Please, Qui-Gon. I don’t want to…” he trailed off like he didn’t know what to say. Qui-Gon knew he did know what to say, but that didn’t mean he wanted to risk upsetting Qui-Gon. 

“I want to make you happy,” Qui-Gon said. “And I want you to do what you want.” 

That was enough instruction. Obi-Wan braced himself on his elbows and began to run his tongue over Qui-Gon’s cock. 

The first time Obi-Wan had done this when they’d been on the ship and he’d just been so happy that Ki wanted him, and had simply been very enthusiastic. Now he knew Qui-Gon’s body. Even two months of separation didn’t change what he knew. And Qui-Gon enjoyed the fruits of those lessons. Obi-Wan was just as enthusiastic as he had been before, but he zeroed in on Qui-Gon’s sensitive spots. He wasn’t shy about anything he did, nor was he hesitant about how Qui-Gon might react. And underneath all that knowledge and self-assurance, it was just better because it meant so much more this time. 

When Obi-Wan finished Qui-Gon gathered his strength and pushed Obi-Wan down. He didn’t quite have it in him to provide Obi-Wan with the same kind of care. But Obi-Wan didn’t complain when Qui-Gon wrapped his hand around his cock and began to stroke him. 

Really, Obi-Wan fell apart pretty quickly. But then he had always really enjoyed making Qui-Gon happy. 

In the end they lay sated, wrapped in each other’s arms with their legs tangled together. Qui-Gon rubbed his nose against Obi-Wan’s cheek idly. He felt more like himself right there in bed with his lover than he had since he woke up after nearly dying on Naboo. 

He had heard the memory reintegration process could take a while. He had assumed that meant a few days, but that had been a foolish assumption. Even if he hadn’t hurt Obi-Wan, he still wouldn’t have been ready to return to his lover after getting his memories back. And Qui-Gon couldn’t be certain he wouldn’t do something stupid again, assured he was completely right because his mind and trauma told him he was right.

He just needed to hold onto moments like these. The good moments. 

“Mmm, Ki, sleep,” Obi-Wan murmured, clearly half asleep as well.

Qui-Gon smiled and little and kissed Obi-Wan’s nose. “Yes, Ben,” he said quietly. He settled in and closed his eyes. 

Good moments. There would be many more good moments like this.

**Author's Note:**

> The somewhat spiritual successor to Forgotten by Trudy West. This is mostly self indulgent on my part.
> 
> Edit 4/20/17:  
> Some spell checks and minor rewrites in the last 2 scenes especially.


End file.
